My Family Story

Sue

My name is Sue, and I have been married to John for almost 35 years.

We have lived in Indiana for 30 years.

My family consists of the two of us and our two children who now live in California. Our son, 28, is married and just purchased a house in Oakland. Our daughter lives in the Mission District of San Francisco. She is a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, kind, and thoughtful person who just happens to be a lesbian.

I'd like to share my personal story of how having a GLBT person in my life has affected me and my family.

I would describe myself as being a person who is creative and liberal and who strives to accept, honor, and respect the rich diversity of humans. I am a spiritual person who has found a religious home in the Unitarian Universalist Church of Indianapolis. I love to travel, and I am eager to read and learn and discover new ideas. I am interested in more than I have time to do. Since my daughter has come out to my husband and me, my life has been enriched. We can share more completely with our daughter, and I have learned so much and met so many wonderful people.

My personal GLBT related experience began on March 17, 2000, at 5:00. Our daughter made an appointment to talk to us. This was very unusual, and we had no idea what the topic was. She read us a letter explaining how she had struggled with being a lesbian. She provided us with materials to read and links to information about such resources as PFLAG. Her last statement in the letter was, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to look you guys in the face again." We loved our daughter deeply and we had always felt we had an open relationship with her. How could she ever imagine that we wouldn't love her always? I went to her and took her face in my hands. I said, "Look at me. I love you."

Our initial thoughts and reactions were mixed. We were both accepting of gays, but we weren't closely involved with any folk from the GLBT community. I had argued with a neighbor who had expressed the opinion that homosexuality was an abomination against God. I believed and still do that people are born gay or lesbian or transgender and that this is not a choice for most. We had never thought that we would be dealing with homosexuality in our own home, however. John was worried about the safety and acceptance of our daughter. We also felt the death of dreams we didn't even know we had; for instance, John had wanted some day to walk our daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I wanted someday to share her experience with pregnancy and childbirth. We thought those dreams were dead; we now know they are not.

My religious views toward this are that I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all beings. I believe that homosexuality is natural and so there is no reason to think it wrong. I think people mistakenly use the Bible as the word of God. I think the Bible was written by man after much had been handed down orally. It has been translated and, as a language student, I know the troubles with translation, especially across cultures and time. The books of the Bible are there because of political pressures of ancient times. To me, the Bible is one of many religious texts that are worth studying. I don't see God as an "other;" I believe that there is a bit of god in each cell of each living organism. I see god as the "stickiness" that holds the universe together. I believe that current Christianity is far removed from Jesus and is much more connected to what happened politically with man over the centuries. Jesus taught love and acceptance. He talked about the kingdom of god being within. I believe there is one god or force or universal light and that we are all "saved." I also believe there are many ways to this force; there are many ways up the mountain.

I had no religious concerns GLBT issues.

Our families were very accepting when we told them about our daughter.

As time has passed, we are more open with more people. Our daughter is much more private than I am. We have still not shared a major part of our lives with close neighbors and some friends out of respect for our daughter's wishes. This is very difficult for me. I think that sharing one's story is one of the best ways to change the world.

Just as coming out is difficult for GLBT people, it can also be a challenge for family and friends. Many go right into the closet

until they're ready to do their own coming out. My most affirming situation was when I told my sister about Julia. She didn't miss a beat and had no difficulty accepting the information.

I was most hurt in telling someone about our daughter when I told my good walking friend who is very Christian. I told her about Julia, and then we were talking about homosexuality. I said it is natural and it occurs in nature. She said, "Avarice and greed are also natural." I was very hurt by that and went home and cried. My daughter is kind and gentle and thoughtful. She wants to please people and do what is right. She is not a sinner who cannot control bad impulses. I still have a distance with this friend because of this. We continue to walk together, but there are topics we cannot discuss. Recently I was talking about how reparation therapy is not effective and is not ethical. She stated that she knows six gay men who are now leading straight lives, and "it's better." What can I say to that? What kind of church wants to "cure" homosexuality and deny people an important aspect of their being? No one claims to change attractions in this "therapy" that is considered unethical by the American Psychological Association; natural attractions are just suppressed.

When I think of home and family, I think of a group of people that live together and share love and resources. The word "family" does not have to mean only one configuration: a married man and a woman with children. My immediate family happens to be my husband and me (in our marriage of 35 years) and our two children. Our son is married, and I hope he has children one day. I hope my daughter will find someone with whom to share her life, and I hope that she can someday be married. Would that marriage threaten my family or my son's family? We have many kinds of families now. Isn't there room for diversity? Isn't our society better when we have diversity?

When I hear homophobic remarks, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. People are talking about my wonderful daughter when they say that GLBT folk are threatening the American family. That hurts me deeply. I can accept criticism of myself and my beliefs, but it is very painful when people criticize anything about my children. I believe that much of the homophobia comes from lack of knowledge. It also is largely driven by religion. It sickens me to see how people use religion to alienate and even kill. Religion is also a means of psychological and spiritual torture. Many religious groups seem to be very exclusive. I was spiritual for many years before I found a religion that was inclusive.

Life for our daughter and for us is now good. She is becoming more comfortable with herself, although I think she still struggles with accepting her own worth. Before she came out to us, we wondered why she had low self-esteem. She was pretty and did very well in school and was a good athlete who won recognitions and played the piano well. Her low self-esteem came from all the negative messages from society. I think the messages now are even stronger that GLBT people are bad and threatening to families. Julia once told us she felt as if she had a scar that she was trying to cover up for years. As she was coming out, people were trying to convince her that this "scar" was beautiful and it was okay to show the world. It's hard to like that scar after one has tried for so long to deny it. It's hard to imagine how much harm is done to the minds and hearts of GLBT folk who continually hear the messages of our society. My wish is that every child grow up believing he or she is good, whether a child is gay or straight or transgender. My husband and I are fighting for GLBT rights as a part of our active lives, and our daughter is living with the normal issues of a person in her 20s. We don't believe she will ever return to live in Indiana.

I believe that GLBT people deserve equal civil rights because they have just as much of a god spark as you or I do. We each and all have worth and dignity. I didn't choose my heterosexuality, and they didn't choose their homosexuality or transgenderism. GLBT people are humans with the same traits, the same desires, and the same needs as everyone else. Their homosexuality is just one part of their character just as my heterosexuality is only one aspect of my being. This one trait that threatens no one else should not be the basis for denial of civil rights.