My Story

Except for attending college in another Midwestern state and two years in the army, I have lived in Indiana for my entire life.

My wife and I have been married for over thirty years. We have three children. All of our children were well liked by their teachers and successful students throughout their school years. All of them are college graduates.

Approximately eleven years ago, near the end of his first year at one of the top colleges in the Midwest, our oldest son told his mother that he was going through a difficult time and wanted to get some counseling from a psychologist. When asked what was troubling him, he told his mother that he didn't think he could ever tell her. Of course, we helped him get counseling. At the end of the school year, he wasn't sure that he wanted to come home. But, he did and continued getting counseling back here in Indianapolis.

During that spring and early summer, my wife and I had considered the possibility that our son was gay. Before that it had never occurred to my wife that it was a possibility. Although there were a couple of things that, in hindsight, were clues to me, I didn't really think that he was gay, either.

At mid-summer, our son told us that he had something important to tell us. He wanted us to go to the Butler University campus. After we got there it took him quite a while to get to the point as to what he wanted to tell us. After walking around for some time, we sat on a park bench and he finally told us that he was gay. My wife and I both told him that we loved him no matter what and that we would be there for him no matter what.

Even though I had suspected that our son might be about to tell us he was gay, it took some time to totally accept it. I worked with gay people that I admired. Nonetheless, I struggled with the reality of having a gay son. I didn't sleep much that first night.

I had conversations with my gay son about the possibility that perhaps he would change over time. I mentioned to him that what I was attracted to in a woman had changed from the time that I was eighteen to when I got married at thirty. Of course, I was only kidding myself. Now, thinking back, I realize that I was naive to think that your sexuality would or could change even if you wanted it to. When did I make a choice to be a straight man? Could I somehow change if I needed to be gay to fit into society? The answers are obvious. I couldn't have changed. I had strong heterosexual feelings and desires since I was in elementary school. Why would I have thought that my son's sexuality was anything other than a part of the essence of who he is and was born to be?

I also remember telling him that I was glad that he was not a "flamboyant" gay person, but was instead a person who appeared to be "straight"? Thinking back, I regret having said that. He still is not "flamboyantly" gay, but I have learned to know and appreciate gay men who are flamboyant. Diversity is what makes the world interesting.

I now can honestly say that I would not want my son to be different than the way he is. He is a loving, honest, polite, courageous man. He is an interesting and intelligent man well thought of by people that know him. Being gay is just a part of him. A part of him that shapes the man that he is as a whole.

After learning that my son was gay, it took a while for my life to seem normal again. One of the things that helped was to read books written by other parents of gay children.

It took quite a while for me to tell anyone that my son was gay. Eventually, however, I began telling people my son was gay when the moment was right. I didn't just blurt out that my son was gay. After all, I wouldn't out of the blue tell friends or acquaintances that my other children were heterosexual. Nonetheless, when the question of whether or not my son was dating someone came up in a conversation I began to respond by explaining that my son was gay. It was usually well received.

Sometimes a person makes a derogatory remark to me about gay people. Depending on the circumstances, I will let them know that I was offended and that I have a gay son.

Sometimes telling someone that I have a gay son and accept his sexual orientation leads to a revelation that the person I am talking to has a gay relative or friend. It becomes clear that when you know a gay person well, it motivates you to become informed and understand gay rights issues.

Even though more people are becoming informed about homosexuality and are becoming accepting, it is still common to hear people speak negatively about gay men and women. Words of discrimination and bias are frequently overheard.

I remember in the early 1970's when I first came to Indianapolis quite frequently people that I didn't even know would say something derogatory to me about black people. There was an assumption that because I was white I would think like they did. Fortunately, that only happens to me rarely now. I think that civil rights laws and the continuing message that it is not right to discriminate has made a big difference. Unfortunately, it is still commonplace for hateful things to be said about gay people. And it is considered acceptable in many social circles for people to discriminate against gay people.

Many of our public leaders and legislators do not accept gay people. And many, who are accepting, lack the political courage to take a stand for gay people and against discrimination. In the future when talking to their grandchildren, I believe many will look back with regret that they didn't do the right thing. Do you ever hear an old politician or the family of a politician speaking with pride that they opposed civil rights or equal rights for women?