My Family Story

Marcia Neff

Marcia, Dan and Steve Neff

I have lived in Indiana all my life. My immediate family consists of my husband, myself and our three sons.

I'd like to share my personal story of how either being a GLBT person or having a GLBT person in my life has affected me and my family.

I'd describe myself as being a person who is creative, open-minded and strives to recognize and respect the best in people.

My personal GLBT related experience began when my oldest son confided in me that he was questioning his sexuality. He'd completed his first year of college and was home for the summer. On the eve of his 19th birthday, he came out to my husband and me as we walked in a park. We hugged him, assuring him that it didn't change our love for him. We talked about our concerns for his safety in coming out in our community. When he wanted to tell his brothers himself, we left the house and didn't come back until we got the signal (porch light on). We passed the house several times - it was harder than he'd expected! It was so very emotional for him - no matter how secure one feels in their family's love, when this issue is involved, there's always a fear of rejection. Of course, he wasn't rejected by any of us.

My initial thoughts and reactions were surprise, a little regret at not seeing him follow the path I'd expected (traditional things - husband, father), but that passed pretty quickly. I worried about comments I may have made about homosexuality that might have hurt him. I couldn't remember that I'd made any, but I worried. More than anything, I was concerned about him. He was feeling isolated and alone, that he didn't fit in anywhere. I focused on helping him come to terms with how he wanted to move forward with his life. I knew that his sexual orientation wasn't a choice, but an inherent part of who my son is and always has been. Having always been the "earth mother" type, I'd go to any length to protect the well being of my children. So we went to PFLAG and started putting things in order.

My religious views toward this are not an issue for me. I believe that in the spirit of humanity, everyone should treat others the way they want to be treated. A pretty simple philosophy, but it seems to cover everything that's important.

The initial reaction from my friends and / or family when I shared with them that I love a GLBT person was pretty quick acceptance. They were interested in personal things like how long he'd known he was gay, how did we feel, etc. There was lots of conversation about homosexuality. We talked about all the myths and stereotypes. They realized that it took a lot of courage for him to come out. They were happy that he'd done so at 19 rather than going through the anguish of hiding it any longer. My father commented, "You play with the cards you're dealt." There was no question of his grandparents' total love and support for him. It was a huge burden lifted from him and an amazing awakening for the rest of us. It opened up our world.

As time has passed, my relationships with family and friends have been pretty open regarding this issue. Sometimes it's hard to talk about it with people not very close to me. It bothers me that people may negatively judge my amazing, gentle, kind son just because he happens to be gay. As I told him just after he came out to me and was struggling to find his place in the world, being gay is just a small part of who he is. It doesn't define him as a human being. My family is much closer as a result of Dan's coming out. When he came out to his brothers, my youngest son (at 13) made the remark, "I feel like our family can talk about anything." And we do.

My most affirming situation when I've told someone about myself or a GLBT person in my life has been when a friend told me she was so thankful to have someone to talk to about her niece! Through the years, she's helped her niece's family go through the stages toward understanding and acceptance. She has often thanked me for being there to help.

My most difficult experience under these circumstances has been when people won't talk about my gay son with me. When I mention him or show pictures of him and/or his partner, they quickly move on. It's almost as if they don't exist. They'll ask questions about my other sons, but not about him. Having members of your family denied doesn't feel good.

When I think of home and family, I think of always being there for each other, of unconditional love. Spending time together, having great conversations, supporting each other through hard times and sharing in the joy of good things that happen. My family may look untraditional to some, but it feels just like a family to me.

When I hear homophobic remarks, it makes me angry. The fact that it's still socially okay for people to denigrate and demonize GLBT people makes me very sad. It makes me think so much less of those who do so. I feel sorry for them because they have such a narrow vision of the world. They don't know what great relationships they're missing out on!

Life for me and my GLBT loved one now is good, although I'd rather have my family close by. My son and his partner have moved away from Indiana to a community they feel is more welcoming. When people talk about the "brain drain" in Indiana, it certainly applies to our family. Two of our three college-educated sons have left the state. Our family recognizes that discrimination and bigotry make it impossible for my son to live his life the way his brothers can. He doesn't have the same civil rights they have. How can I feel good about the fact that society doesn't recognize my family, all my sons and their chosen partners, as equals?

I believe that GLBT people deserve equal civil rights because they're no less deserving than anyone else in this country. "Second class citizen" doesn't go along with being an American. No one should be denied housing, lose their job or any other protections because of discrimination. My son, his partner and my GLBT friends should be respected and honored in their love for one another. Their commitment to enter into a legal marriage, if they choose, in no way diminishes my marriage, my family or my other sons' right to marry and raise families. I don't see how this issue can be viewed any differently than the equal civil rights the Constitution guarantees for all Americans.