My Family Story

My name is Janet Fox. I have lived in Indiana for 23 years. My immediate family consists of my husband and two college-age sons. I have many friends that I consider to be family, as well as many extended family members in various parts of the country.

I'd like to share my personal story of how having a GLBT person in my life has affected me and my family.

My personal GLBT story started out in a rather typical way:

Baby boy born in the wee hours of the morning on a hot, July morning in Indianapolis in 1983. 8 pounds, 10 ounces, 21" long. Mom (me) and dad are amazed by this tiny, snuggly, breathing gift in diapers temporarily entrusted to us to feed, comfort, clothe, house, provide opportunities to learn and thrive and to help to become whoever he is meant to be ... and to protect, nurture and love him - unconditionally....

Infant, loves light blue teddy bear, yellow silky-edge blankie, toddler, pre-schooler, "no"-sayer, giggler, runner. Cooperative preschooler, loves to be with other kids, draws pictures, plays with play-doh and in the sandbox. Splashes in puddles, full of joy, swings on the swing-set, imagines being on the airplanes up in the sky or to touch the moon. Runs, learns to read signs on buildings, learns to memorize and read words in books. Likes Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. Loves "Goodnight Moon". Learns to be a big brother. Learns to share. Fascinated by spiders, stars, raindrops, Santa Claus, Halloween. Loves macaroni and cheese and pizza and just about anything with ketchup. Curious, inquisitive.

Kindergarten, elementary school, IPS. Soccer, ballet, more soccer, t-ball, cub scout, scar above his eye from stitches received when he was in an accident on his 5th birthday. Loves Mrs. F. and her baby baluga whales. Learns Spanish. Plays clarinet. Thrives in Mrs. H's 4th grade class. Helps around the house and garden. Singer, five-year member of the Indianapolis Childrens Choir, choir camps, church concerts, concerts in the park, songs in many languages, singer at Carnegie Hall the US Air Force Academy and the Corn Palace. Tour through Europe with the choir. Piano student. Star Trek fanatic....

Middle school, science buff, science fair winner three years straight. Magic Cards, swimmer, friend. Math enthusiast. Avid reader. Kind. Artist, Science Olympiad, Math Pentathlon. Boy Scout, loves camping and hiking, budding chef, honest, friend to boys and girls, typical brother with fights, screams and hugs. Respectful and loving son (most of the time).

High School, Tennis Captain, Math star, Science Star, Computer whiz, Choir Member, Piano soloist, Voice soloist, Restaurant waiter, tax-payer, hard worker, Physics whiz, learns Japanese, teaches self computer programming language over summer vacation, achiever, honest, quick whit, IUPUI attendee while in high school, Eagle Scout, National Honor Society, HS Valedictorian, focused, perfect HS GPA, multiple scholarship recipient, poet, one of central Indiana's top 40 HS graduates, Indianapolis City-County-Council Honoree for Academic accomplishments - the Council tells him, "Please, don't be Indy's brain drain kid ... come back home after you graduate and help Indy to thrive." For at least one reason, I doubt that he will return to live in Indiana any time soon.

Massachusetts Institute of Technology, crew team member, six foot seven inches tall, choir member, physics and material sciences dual major graduate, seeker, philosopher, integrity, karate, composer, tutor, community youth volunteer, inventor, frat brother, rush coordinator, frat chancellor, thrifty, loves ethnic foods, published scientific author, joker, actively pursuing three patents (one invention to conserve lots of electrical energy), doctorate student in nanotechnology, a young man with so much curiosity, life, so much potential, innovator, quickly becoming tomorrow's leader ....

My oldest son. He is also gay.

Now, after all that he has done and achieved in his 22 years, based on this ONE aspect of who he is, some people in Indiana want to single him out and actively work to treat him as a second class citizen. His civil rights are NOT protected. In Indianapolis, he could be fired from a job simply because he is gay. He could be legally denied equal access to renting an apartment or buying a home simply because he is gay. He could legally be denied access to public accommodations because he is gay.

If he wanted to serve in the U.S. military, he would not be allowed to do so. If he finds a partner to share the rest of his life with, proposed restrictive marriage laws, if they eventually pass, are designed to forever make his home and family life extremely difficult, expensive and complicated.

Why am I telling my story? Because I value ALL of my family members and believe each person deserves equal treatment, especially in the eyes of the law in the United States of America. I've fed, comforted, clothed, housed, and provided opportunities for my son to learn and thrive and to help him to become all who he is meant to be. I continue to do my best and will work hard to protect his right to equality and for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, to nurture his spirit and to love him, unconditionally. It is the same thing I've done to the best of my ability for my straight son. These are my family values.

I tell my story, the story of my oldest son, the story of my family. I believe that we are all in this world to let our light shine and to share all of our gifts to the best of our abilities. Being gay is only one part of who my oldest son is and who he is meant to be. Being the mom of a gay son is only one part of who I am.

Why might you care? Because just maybe you can relate to some part of my story. My son's story could also be the story of your son or your daughter. His story could also be the story of your friend, your grandchild, your brother or sister. His could also be the story of your neighbor or your co-worker. His story could also be the story of you. How do you want to be treated?

I am a person who believes in the golden rule that so many religions have a version of: love our neighbors as ourselves and treat others the way we want to be treated. If I want people to treat me with respect and equality, then I need to do my best to respect others and to treat them with equality.

The specific time and place where my son told me he was gay is not as important as the fact that he had the courage to honestly share who he is. He shared this information when the time was right for him. I was not surprised with his revelation. I am both a part of and a witness to his life, and I greatly appreciate the gift of being his mom.

My religious view is that God (whatever God is) is everywhere and equally in all persons. I believe that to truly honor God is to work hard to discover and to be all that in life I am meant to be. And to do all that I can to facilitate others to be all that they are meant to be. My civil view about the way that GLBT persons are legally treated is a separate issue. The United State's Pledge of Allegiance ends with the words "with liberty and justice for ALL". To me, "ALL" is an inclusive word and means everyone - period.

Most of the time, I have had supportive, compassionate responses when I've shared with others that I have a GLBT child. Many people then tell me about their brother or sister, friend, cousin, etc. that is GLBT. Unfortunately, sometimes it is difficult because people can surprise you in hurtful ways. Some people have biases, assumptions, expectations, personal or religious-based rules about what people are supposed to be, and being gay often does not fit into their acceptable criteria. So, negative comments or worse cause tension and a lack of desire to spend time with these people. But I also realize that these people are the ones to reach out to in some way. But sometimes, it just does not feel safe to share this information. It is especially painful to listen to elected politicians who treat my son as second class or who pass laws or policies that are intentionally designed to make life more difficult for my son and therefore, for my whole family.

As time has passed, my relationships with family, friends and politicians on this issue continues to evolve. I also continue to learn more about my self and the other people around me.

Just as coming out is difficult for GLBT people, it can also be a challenge for family and friends. Many go right into the closet until they're ready to do their own coming out.

The most affirming situation when I've told someone about my gay son was at my first PFLAG meeting. It was as though we were all wearing the same shoes and we were walking a similar path. I felt support, compassion and safety. My most difficult experience under these circumstances has been attending the Indianapolis City County Council meeting when the Human Rights Ordinance was defeated. After previously testifying in support of the ordinance, I was hopeful that it had a chance of being approved by the full council. However, the anti-gay councilor in my district welcomed a prominent anti-gay activist at the beginning of the council meeting before the entire assembly. Twice, during the meeting, the HRO proposal was not even allowed to be sent back to committee to be re-worked. When the proposal was finally defeated, I felt that my half of the room was invisible. I will not forget this awful feeling, I cried. But since that time, the memory of it has motivated me to shift my life focus to work for equality for my GLBT friends, my GLBT son, and for other GLBT persons who I don't even know who they are.

When I think of home and family, I think of connection, hope, love - unconditional.

When I hear homophobic remarks, it makes me feel like there is a lot of work to do. When I was growing up, it was common-place to hear nasty words for African-American persons, for people who were disabled, for Mexican people who were working in the United States picking the crops that we ate, for Asian people, for females and others. Over time, society in general has come to realized that this kind of name-calling, bigotry, discriminatory policies and other awful acts against groups of people are not acceptable in a truly free society. Two steps forward, one step backwards. The path of a thousand miles begins (and continues with one step).

I believe that GLBT people deserve equal civil rights because we should treat others as we want to be treated.