Abby's Story

Abby Henkel

Let me tell you: my coming out, when it finally happened, was long overdue. I was 20 years old, and although I know that it takes many people much longer than that to come out to themselves and the people they love, for me I had known it since I hit puberty. Although I didn't necessarily have an explanation why, I have always known I was gay. The problem was, everyone else seemed to know it too, and so I couldn't let it be true. I just couldn't give in to the immature high-schoolers who took my blue jeans and t-shirt as a sure sign that I was gay, giving them permission to utter cruel slang to me under their breath in math class. Moreover, I couldn't let myself be gay, because that was not what I had always imagined for myself. No, I was going to settle down with my successful, feminist husband and our two attractive in children in a ranch-style house outside of the city.

So for years, I lied to myself about my feelings. I brushed away crushes on girls, telling myself that I wanted to be them, not be with them. My friends and I found reasons for my lack of success in relationships with men, saying I had just not found the right guy.

But finally last summer, I could deny no longer my attraction to women, or my tendency to pull out of relationships with men when they seemed, even to my closest friends, to be going so smoothly. My friends were vital in this process. Afraid even to talk to my parents, loving and open people who had raised me since birth in an eccentric and liberal Unitarian Universalist fellowship, I depended on a few queer friends (all women) to help me through. They were at varying stages in the process of sexual self-discovery, and so I found understanding, guidance, and support at a time when I so needed it.

But what I needed most of all was to search myself for answers to my questions. Mostly I asked myself, what was I afraid of? Having known most assuredly since high school that I was indeed attracted to girls, all I had to do was to acknowledge that that was who I was, and to embrace it.

And now, a year since I really began to accept and be proud of my sexuality and only six months since coming out to my family, I am utterly in love with a woman. It is the most refreshing and liberating thing I could imagine. No longer do I have doubts, like I did with my ex-boyfriends, about my attraction to her. Nor do I have any trouble saying I love her.

Of course, there are things that worry me. I have heard countless stories of people being refused employment because of being openly queer. And we all know the hate crimes that can happen to those even suspected of being 'sexually deviant.' And there are the everyday issues of dealing with friends who will be disappointed because of who I have become, who I am.

Nevertheless, this is who I am, and I'd rather die loving whom I choose than live a lie, destroying lives in the process. After knowing how incredible I feel being open with myself and finding love, I have no doubt that my life will be exciting. And I find that, supported by my friends and family, I cannot be afraid of whatever lies ahead. I only wish that I had been able to say it to myself years ago when I first knew.